Bored With LA

Mark Ganek, a transplant from Illinois, is a playwright in LA and writes a column called "The Cultured Savage" on Orkut.

He's overcome his boredom with LA long enough to develop "The Los Angeles Universal Conversation Generator (patent pending):"

Person 1: So, I like went to [shopping establishment] to find [trendy item]. But when I got there, they were totally out. So instead I got this [comically ugly trendier item]. Don't you love it?

Person 2: Oh my God, I saw [vapid C-list celebrity] wearing that at the [Generic Award Ceremony/Celebrity Circle-Jerk].

Person 1: Did you hear that she [comment indicating I have no personality and simply repeat what I hear on E! instead.]

Person 2: I know, and then [likewise].

Person 1: Yeah, I totally think that [comment indicating my brain contains only a rusty hamster wheel, but due to cost-cutting measures, the hamster has been replaced by a picture of a hamster.]

Person 2: Yeah. [Silence indicating I have forgotten what we were talking about because I was distracted by a reflection of myself in a mirror.] Totally.

Bystander: I'm going to shoot myself in the face.